We are not TRYING to get pregnant, but we are not NOT trying to get pregnant.
Thats the answer I give people when they ask where me and my husband are with trying to have a baby.
"Oh, but I thought you were going to do the surrogacy thing?" Yes, yes we are. But that doesn't mean that my hope to magically get pregnant on our own goes away. You know, how it happens to soooooo many other couples?.
"We tried fertility for years and never got pregnant then ll of a sudden once we stopped trying, BAM! We got pregnant."
Which don't get me wrong, thats amazing. But you now fall into that category of annoying lol Just being honest. Maybe its because last night I waisted another $15 on a pack of pregnancy tests thinking I was going to be one of those women you hear about....::sigh:: only to find another big fat SINGLE pink line staring me in the face. Yes i Mcguyverd it for about 35 minutes under different types of lighting to make sure that 2nd pink line wasn't hiding...nope...single, pink, big, annoying, NEGATIVE line.
My flesh wants to literally curl up into a ball, cry, and sleep for days. Pity party for one? non smoking section. Actually, make it the smoking section..its not like I'm pregnant or anything!!
I guess my hope for this blog post is to show other women going through a similar situation that...I get it. And as much as I want to be this strong, positive, hopeful person when it comes to all things starting a family.... sometimes thats just not the way its gonna go down.
Its normal to be pissed you got another negative pregnancy test.
Its normal to be angry and frustrated at God.
its normal to think and feel that it will never happen for you.
And its normal to want to imagine punching people who get pregnant like its nothing in the damn face.
totally normal..well, maybe not that last one lol but whatever.
The truth is infertility is NOT positive. Literally! (haha, get it?) Its ugly crying, bitter betty, pissed at the world, my body hates me, if I see another pregnancy announcement I'm gonna lose my shit! And thats just TTC. (Trying To Conceive)
Imagine adding fertility medication on top of all that? merp. #CrazyPants
I think because I try and focus on the positive more than the negative on social media, people assume I don't have moments like this...moments of negativity. Doubt. Anger. And straight up bitterness.
Bitterness is a mother funker, let me tell you. I haaaaaaaate when I'm Bitter Boots Mcgee. But sometimes your soul needs it for survival I feel. lol
You TTCers know what Im talking about. When metaphorically you are just stewing in your own shitty ass hateful feelings towards every pregnant person and refusing to pull your self out of it. When every post you see on fb regarding pregnancy makes you want to round house these preggos in the throat. ::covers eyes::
"ugh, im 2nd Dr.s appointment this week"
"Im so over being pregnant"
"I love when people take my baby name"
"ugh! Why are maternity clothes so expensive?!"
"This kid needs to hurry up and get here!!!"
and the list goes on and on and on.........
don't get me wrong, I understand pregnancy is tough. I grew four humans inside of me at once. But post like this are annoying as shit- lets just keep it funky. When you have spent thousands of $ to try and start a family, to hear people complain about it...its a special kind of frustration that brews.
Its Bitter Betty. It awakens the bitter betty is my best way to describe it.
So how do you make it stop? How do you pull yourself out of the pile of bitter shit you are throwing your fit in?
I know God is in control..I know the story of Sara and Isaac in the bible...I see miracles happen every single day in the TTC community and tons of infertile couples get pregnant and actually take home their beautiful little ones....it DOES happen. These are the things I have to keep reminding myself when my emotions get the best of me. God is faithful, God is faithful, God is faithful.
Sometimes its all I have left.. to sit, close my eyes, allow my heart to hurt, and repeat to myself "God is faithful."
From shit comes flowers.
I think where other women go wrong or crazy is thinking that they are not allowed to bring their Negative Nancy to the dinner table. its OK to be pissed as shit that others around you can get pregnant like its going out of business and you can't. Its ok to have those thoughts and feelings! That doesn't make you a horrible person. Invite negative nancy out for lunch, dinner, maybe some dessert. Maybe even have that bitch sleep over a couple nights. THATS OK!!
But eventually send her home.
We all have hectic crazy busy lives and want things to be as easily done as possible but sorting out your emotions while TTC is what I have found to be the KEY to survival in this process. Its nearly as difficult as trying to get pregnant in itself, but it is a definite MUST.
Your feelings are not FACTS. That doesn't mean they don't matter, they are invalid, or you shouldn't be allowed to feel them...it just means they are not facts.
I currently feel like I'm never going to have children.
I currently feel like easy to get pregnant people are ass holes.
I currently feel like crying my eyes out.
I currently feel like God isn't allowing me to get pregnant because Ill be a terrible mother.
I currently feel like I want to punch people who have kids and make stupid ass comments about how annoyed they are with them in the throat.
I currently feel like I don't want to go to my 9-5 job because my pregnancy test was negative, I want to stay home, sleep, get chip faced, and not interact with society.
100% transparent- Thats how I FEEL in this moment.
None of those are facts. lol
The FACTS are...
That God is able
That I am so blessed beyond measure to have a wonderful marriage, job, family.
That these feelings are only temporary
That someday me and Alex will have the most beautiful children, and if not, we will still want for nothing because all things work together for good to those that love God.
Maybe you don't believe in God the way that I do and you are TTC?... Well then i really cant help you lol jk. I would do the same things but with positive life affirmations and meditation. Sit somewhere quiet, and mediate on the goodness going on in your life. And maybe right now, you like "K thanks for the advice, but I don't want to that! Im still hurt! pissed! angry! etc"
But just know that the longer you sit with negative nancy, the harder it is to make that bitch go home.