Let me start off by saying.. i absolutely 1000000% love and adore my god babies, nieces, nephews, all little ones that I have been lucky enough to have in my life. If I was to write out a guest list right now of people to invite to my birthday party, I would have MORE little kids and babies on that list than adults. And I mean that in a non pedophile type of way. Alex and I have been extremely blessed to have so many young kids in our lives.
Which leads me to the turmoil ive been dealing with lately.
As ive shared, me and my husband have been planning to start our journey to trying to become parents, yet again, thru IVF and a surrogate.
But I feel like im no where near being ready to start all of that again. Which I dont understand.. am I scared? And if so, scared of what? It not working? The pain? The financial aspect of it? Like, normally im very good at sorting through my feelings and figuring this stuff out but i feel so incredibly lost.
Then I think to myself... do I even WANT kids anymore?? I mean.. i love how things are in my household with just me and my husband. We can sleep in when we want, if the moment strikes us we can travel if wed like to, I mean.. we have an incredible life with it being just us two..so why isnt that enough?? Why is there this longing to add to our family that doesn’t go away??
and then there are these moments of my job as a wife and woman is I’m “supposed” to be able do this. My body is “supposed” to be able to create and carry a baby. It’s like civil rights.
no but seriously....
So I come to these moments where I feel like i'm totally content with things how they are...but then something happens.
Ill be sitting on the couch with my husband probably watching FRIENDS when he begins to crack up at one of the funny moments...I glance over at him mid laugh and its like everything stops. His red cheeks, the little wrinkles around each corner of his eyes when hes smiling, and his big beautiful almond eyes.... My heart literally cries out during these moments to have a mini him. To be able to create that little piece of life with him.
And then this frustrating circle of confusion starts all over again.
Maybe thats not reason enough to have a baby?? I derno!
Maybe the reason we cant just GET pregnant naturally is because we are not supposed to??
Maybe we are supposed to just be Uncle Alex and Auntie Angelique??
I DONT KNOW!
And its not like im 25 years old with all these eggs on deck..I mean, i get it, im only 30, wait, 31.
But thats old in trying to be a mommy world i feel. And according to every fertility Dr ive seen, once you hit 30 years old half your eggs are dead and gone. Dead and gone.
I know that God gives us (believers) the desires of our hearts. And I truly believe that.. but I also believe that HE opens up doors and requires you to do the foot work.
So this thought that ill just relax and if it happens it will happen... that doesnt really make me feel comfortable at all.