Remember Remember the fifteenth of December.
you find out your finally expecting, and once the shock subsides you begin to calculate. How far along are you? How many weeks? Months? Days? For those living infertility ever after you can calculate almost down to the hour just how far along you are.
Then you calculate your due date. THE DATE. The day you’ve dreamed about, prayed about, and anxiously can’t wait to get here. The day your bun that’s finally in the oven is due and your happily ever after will be complete.
Our special date was December 15, 2013. Christmas babies! Winter babies! I think I purchased about a dozen adorable “My first Christmas” newborn outfits. Not only were we being blessed with FOUR babies, but we would get them for Christmas?! SCORE!! The presents, the family Christmas cards, all the new traditions that would take place that month with our little/big family... it seemed to perfect. December/Christmas time has always been mine and my husbands favorite time of year but now it would just make it that much more amazing.
Now that’s all changed.
No family Christmas cards, no little ones buy presents for.... just empty arms.
Christmas time is difficult by itself for those of us TTC (Trying To Conceive)
Trying To Christmas shop and ignore all the babies and kids dressed up anxiously waiting to take pictures with Santa. Passing by all the toy sections in stores because you have no one to buy those things for.
But adding a due date that never came to that? It’s just rude.
I always try and stay positive and spirit filled but I’m not going to fake the funk. There is no easy way to deal with a Due Date that never came. This entire week I’ve been extremely depressed, sleeping as much as I can, barley showering, haven’t washed my hair, and crying when alone in my car or at 4 in the morning when my husband is asleep.
My heart hurts.
Are there things that help make it easier? Absolutely.
Pizza, for one.
Then me and my husband do this thing every year where we plan what would have been their birthday. I make a Pinterest board and even write a Facebook post about how stressed I am from all the imaginary party planning.
This year with them turning FOUR we decided to plan a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Themed Party. Complete with to go pizza party boxes instead of bags, pin the mask on Raphael, and of course a pizza buffet table that could make you wanna sing Hallelujah.
as im sitting here at work doing a 9-5 I never imagined myself doing I close my eyes and pretend that Party is really where I’m at.
I can hear them screaming and playing, I’m sure Carlos James would have already gotten in trouble by his dad for playing to rough. And my sweet twin girls.... I’m sure Bama would be having the most amazing time playing with all her friends and cousins, while Honey would probably be crying to open presents or dig into the cake already. shes so much like her mama.. in my head.
Maybe you are reading this like... uhhhh.. u know ur kids are gone right? Crazy pants.
Sometimes i think the same thing.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking.. gosh, get over it.
Never let anyone try and tell you how to feel about the loss of your children. No matter what gestation, what situation, you are allowed to hurt. To cry. To be angry. To be depressed. You are allowed to feel.
and my best advice on dealing with a Due Date that never came...
Allow yourself to be.
Whatever it is that YOU need on that day in order to make it through. Do it. I mean, obviously don’t go off and do heroin, hurt yourself, steal a baby, or murk someone... clearly NOT that.
But dont feel like you have to act or feel or behave a certain way. Allow your mind, heart, spirit, to do what it needs to do.
90% of the time during the year I’m a proud mama and can talk about my babies till I’m blue in the face... but on December 15th and maybe the week before and after.. I’m depressed. I’m heartbroken. I feel vacant, like half of my soul is missing. i want to lay in bed, eat pizza, imagine what should have been and just cry off and on in between sleep.
My mind and spirit know the truth. That my babies are in heaven, that Gods plan is better than my own, and that HE will never leave me or forsake me.
But my flesh is still heartbroken. And on this day, every year, I bounce back and fourth between spirit and flesh. Like I’m two people.
And that’s ok.