"The second star to the right Shines in the night for you To tell you that the dreams you plan Really can come true." -Peter Pan
It was right after our second attempt at the IUI process. I remember parking my car, walking around the paved walkway to our apartment when all of a sudden something stopped me in my tracks. I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. This light, peaceful, yet intense feeling. Almost as if someone had sprinkled me with pixie dust. I just felt different. I placed my hand over my belly, took a deep breath, and then had this strange feminine feeling. I like to think of myself as pretty good with words, and even now I still can't describe it. It makes my heart feel fluttery even just writing about it now. It literally felt like at that exact moment God decided to make me pregnant with a baby girl and I felt it...To this day, it was the most intense, peaceful, and beautiful feeling I've ever felt.
Several weeks, three growing babies and lots of vomiting later we were at another "normal" ultrasound appointment to check on our three growing little ones. Baby A-measuring great, awesome heart beat. Baby B-measuring great, awesome heart beat. Baby C- measuring great, awesome heart beat..Then I will never forget our Dr.s next words to us. "So we have a bit of a surprise this morning." Then the nurse in the room gasps in disbelief "NOOO!!!" Im like, WHAT?! I clearly don't see what the hell y'all see! What!! "You see this little guy here? Well he split.".. "WHAT?! SO WE HAVE FOUR?! Does that mean those are identical twins?!" I remember stuttering out. "Yes" he said. Of course me and my husband were shocked, scared SHITLESS, but so incredibly excited.
We only had about 2 minutes to feel happy about it tho because then next came some of the most difficult things I've ever heard from a Dr. Our Dr. advised us that we should do what they call a "Reduction." Basically where they kill two of the babies so it isn't so high risk and the other babies or any baby has a better chance of survival. I can remember looking at him giving us this advice in complete shock. We have lost 3 babies already and finally are pregnant and now you want to tell me to basically kill my twins?? So IM safer? So my chances are better?? Did my dad just SKIP over the reduction chapter in the hundreds of fairytales he read to me as a little girl???? Cuz seriously, what in the actual shit! And to top it all off, I remember him telling us, because they share the same sac it would be easier to "terminate" the twins. I nervously shook my head taking in the information he was suggesting and the second he left the room I burst into tears. I looked straight at my husband and said, "I know those are my girls. I know it."
My entire life when thinking about how this part of my fairytale would play out, I always wished and prayed for a little girl. i don't know if its because my mom wasn't in my life or what. But I always dreamed of a little brown haired beauty that would be the absolute apple of my eye. Whom I would take to ballet, sing songs with, have matching pink toenails with , and read beautiful fairytales with. I often prayed for her. That her skin be as tough as mine, that her heart never be broken, and that she would never ever feel alone like I did.
Fast forward to 6 weeks later which would bring me to about 14 weeks pregnant. We were on our way to try and find out what we were having! We had already got the amazing news a week before that baby C was in fact a boy- but the Dr. couldn't see what the twins were yet. So here I am laying on the table with the ultrasound tech exploring my stomach when she all of a sudden says...Ok, so thats not actually how it happens. My twins would not show their privates to save my life. We were literally there for over an hour coughing, singing, drinking juice, switching sides, jumping up and down, trying to fart ( i swear), trying anything and everything imaginable to get these kids to show us their parts! As all of this is going on I remember thinking... Really?! This part isn't in the fairytale either. And don't even get me started if your a plus size girl trying to get an ultrasound.. LORD Jesus! :) Thats another Blog. Anyway... the ultrasound tech finally says she sees it and to watch the screen.... Then all of a sudden it pops up "I'm a Girl!" I wasn't as emotional as when I found out I was having a son, but I think its because I always knew my girls where there. From that very moment when I was walking out of my car 5 months prior until right before she told us. I just always knew. I--I don't have many moments in my pregnancy that were happy days. Every other day it was chaos, worry, fear, bad news etc. Except for this day. I remember the day we found out (officially) that we were having twin girls, we went to target right after and had so much fun picking out matching outfits for them. Holding them to our chest pretending they were filled with our little ones already. I couldn't walk so I had to ride around in the little scooter, but it was a really great day.
I remember when I first laid eyes on my little girls after they were born...I swear I have never seen more perfect little girls in my entire life. And you know whats so ironic and probably my most favorite thing about them... was that they looked exactly like their daddy. Honey was more developed than Alabama was and man! When I say she looked like her daddy, I mean she just beamed with beauty. Had the shape of his face, his big almond eyes, and the curve of his lips.
I heard this theory once, that actually brings me comfort and I am not sure why. The theory is that Peter Pan is actually an angel, and when babies or kids pass away he takes them off to never never land (heaven). He guides them there and thats why they never have to grow up. With that theory in mind i'll end with this..
To my beautiful baby girls; Honey and Alabama. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. Stay away from captain hook, dance with the indians, and swim with mermaids. Mommy will be there someday and we can never grow up together. And if you ever make your way to my window at night and need to find your way back, just remember its the second star to the right and straight on till morning. I love you.
"And when our journey is through Each time we say "Goodnight" We'll thank the little star that shines The second from the right..." -Peter Pan