Sleeping Beauty fair, Gold of sunshine in your hair Lips that shame the red, red rose Dreaming of true love in slumber repose
One day he will come Riding over the dawn When you awaken to love's first kiss Till then, Sleeping Beauty, sleep on One day you'll awaken to love's first kiss Till then, Sleeping Beauty, sleep on.
-Sleeping Beauty (Sleep Spell Scene)
"Poor Kind Stephen, and the Queen." - Fauna "They'll be heart broken once they find out." - Merryweather "They're not going to. We'll put them all asleep, until Rose awakens." - Flora
Theres a small part of me now, but a huge part of me back then that wishes this spell was real. That instead of having to find out my sleeping beauties would never wake up, three good fairies put me and Alex into a sweet deep slumber. Not having to deal with any pain, heart ache, anger, confusion. Just sweet dreams.
I wasn't under any spell but I did my best for about 2 years to sleep away my pain. Only getting out of bed to shower and occasionally watch television. When I was asleep there was no pain, when I was asleep my babies were still there, when I was asleep everything was safe. And then there was that couple seconds when I would open my eyes after having been asleep that everything was as it was in my dreams. But then as the fog clears and your eyes begin to focus reality sinks in. They are really gone as if they never were and the world doesn't make sense again.
As we said goodbye to our sleeping babies ill never forget the stroll (because I was in a wheel chair) to the elevator. It seemed as if the halls were filled with happy families anxiously waiting to see their new family members. Balloons, flowers, presents, stuffed animals lined the halls as me and my husband somberly exited the hospital. Arms empty, hearts broken. Getting into the car was like climbing a mountain, I had zero strength and it felt like all the air was taken out of my lungs with each step. Once the car door closed and our nurse walked back into the hospital, I remember my husband beginning to put the car into Drive and I suddenly yelled "NO! Don't leave! I can't!" He quickly put the car back into park as I began to hang my head and cry. "I can't leave them here, I don't want to leave without them. Im not here, I'm there.. take me back up please. I want to see them just one more time." I pleaded with him
"I know love, but they arnt here. They are in heaven babe, they are with us. We can't go back inside, they are not there babe." My husband sweetly said
it wasn't just something I was feeling emotionally. I physically felt like I couldn't leave. I had my car door opened and my foot hanging out the door like, NO! I can't leave them! It was the most intense feeling. Looking back on it now I assume thats what they call a mothers instinct. After sitting in the car for about 45 minutes we slowly made our way home.
My husband had made a comment while driving, "Isn't it strange how everyone just keeps on going? Here we are completely destroyed and the world doesn't stop..it just keeps going."
This ENTIRE time..i mean it had been days at this point. My husband was solid as a rock. To this day I still don't understand how he did it. He held back nearly all his fears and emotions and was just a pillar of strength. I remember even having multiple nurses come up to me and telling me how much my husband loves me. How they have never seen a husband be so strong for his wife and the second they rolled me into surgery he balled his eyes out, worried about me and wanting me to be ok.
We parked our car and i remember it taking me around 15 minutes to walk to the front door. Having to stop and rest, catch my breath, and nearly passing out a couple times. Finally after making it back into the house my husband put me into bed where I slept for 10 hours straight.
The next morning it was like waking up from a bad dream. Although I was well rested I still couldn't believe what had happened. I remember my husband sitting in the bed with me once I woke up and asking him "Did that actually happen?"
I remember feeling extremely lonely and empty. I no longer had those tiny little lives inside of me. No more kicks, no more heart beats, I felt totally alone. No one there when I slept, no one to sing to as I sat in the shower, and no one to read to fairytales to every night like we had been doing for months.It was all just gone.
And you want to know something really mother effing rude? Phantom kicks. No one every mentions shit like that. A couple weeks after I was home I was jolted out of bed one night because something literally kicked me in my stomach. Not quite sure if I was going crazy I woke up my husband and told him what I felt and we waited for it to happen again. KICK! There it was again! Like a damn soccer player just kicked the shit out of me! I started crying thinking maybe by some miracle there was a baby still in there that was perfectly healthy and some sort of baby ninja to have survived the D&C.
I called my Dr. and explained what was going on. She then tells me (reluctantly) that its just my insides going back to their normal spots because everything was so over around and it was probably a phantom kick.
SMH. JUST. PLAIN. RUDE. Im definitely asking God about that someday.
And another thing! While we are on the subject of rude... breast milk. Like if you give birth and your babies pass away, God should just soak up all the breast milk like it was never there. Because let me tell you... there is period boob pain and then there is milk in your boobs and your going to explode breast pain! Having to sit in the shower and slowly squeeze my rock hard boobs to empty out milk that I don't have babies for is just rude!
Sorry, back to the story...
You know when people say "I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy." Usually its food poisoning, gallstones, or something like that. But you know what I wouldn't wish upon MY worst enemy?.... having to plan your children's funeral. It seriously is the most awful experience I have ever had. Head stones, floral arrangements, casket options... I mean, how did this happen??? It was supposed to be head bands, onesies, diapers, and baby spit up... not this. Anything but this. I mean, life doesn't prep you for things like this ya know? Me and my husband can barley decide on what to eat for dinner let alone what our child's head stone should say.
After all the major decisions were done it was just a matter of surviving the day when it finally arrived. I remember waking up that morning and although me and God were NOT on speaking terms, I remember asking HIM for an obscene amount of strength. Not like normal crossfit - body building type of strength. I mean, the type of strength HE gave David to defeat Goliath. The type of strength HE gave Abraham to nearly sacrifice his only son. Im talking STRENGTH that surpasses all understanding.
Dressed in all black me and Alex got into our car and headed to the church. I took his hand on the drive over and told him something that to this day he still reminds me of when times are "hard." "Babe, out of everything we have been through, and everything we will ever go through... this will be the hardest. And we are doing it. There isn't anything we can't get through after this."
We decided to have our children's funeral service at my home church. Church of The Redeemer in Baldwin Park, CA. Thats the church I gave myself to the Lord in, the church I was baptized in, and the church I had so many of times felt god move. Sitting in the front row across from my children's casket I remember thinking back to being 18 years old, a baby Christian so on fire for God, jumping up and down right where their casket was in praise and worship. Those days were long gone now. My heart was so broken and whatever pieces remained were rock hard and bitter. Our babies were small enough that they were all able to fit into one small casket. It was white with gold trim, and was draped with white flowers. We had a slide show going of their first ultrasounds, videos of when we found out the gender, and photos of when I first told Alex "Someone is going to be a daddy in 37 weeks." That picture killed me. To this day Its so hard to bring myself to look at it. As our Pastor spoke, and the slide show played I held my husbands hand in disbelief that this was actually happening. Here we are two years into our marriage standing next to our children's casket... this is not how fairytales go.
I can remember at one point during the service looking behind and seeing a large amount of people...I didn't "invite" anyone to this mind you. But seeing so many of our loved ones show up when we were completely broken, and to show their love for our little ones is something that is forever embedded in our minds and hearts.
My two older brothers were pallbearers and for some reason watching them come forward and carry my children casket just sent me into totally break down mode. These were my super heroes growing up. My protectors, my first best friends, my first roommates. And now they were so gently carrying my precious babies bodies... it was very surreal.
When we finally made our way to where our babies would be buried it felt like the day had gone on forever. I know we were both emotionally drained beyond belief, but it had felt like we just finished fighting a war. Physically I had never been so tired.
One of our favorite movies is the Pixar/Disney movie "UP." For obvious reasons we greatly identify with it, and my husband will be pissed I'm saying this but to this day overtime we watch it he balls his eyes out. One of my friends/family is an amazing singer and guitar player and she so graciously learned the UP theme song to play at our babies gravesite during the service.
Everyone was given a white rose and one by one they each walked up and placed it on their casket. A lot of people tried to distract me when it was time to lower the casket into the ground telling me it isn't something I will wanna see...But oddly it was. I wanted to see every aspect of where they were going. I wanted to hang on to every moment I had left with them. If I could have stayed there overnight I would have.
So there they lay to sleep, next to family members gone before them. Peacefully, safety, sweetly. I have to remind myself that although thats physically where they are, spiritually they are not there. They are in heaven waiting for us. I guess it gives me some sort of comfort thinking they are just 20 minutes away opposed to eternity away.